A Scripta

Hey, mom. Remember the last time I was here? I don't quite remember that far back, either. A lot of stuff happened since then. I changed. Or maybe I became what I really am. Did you know about any of this, mom? Did I kill puppies in my sleep or something? Where did all this hate come from?

Counselors don't help me. Jack won't either - he won't talk to me, I can't find him. Jack's my Kheldian, my second one. The first one, Ben, he was nuts - they say. ::whispers:: I never thought so. He was strong. He was powerful. He would protect me. Protect me from all of them, mom. All the ones who hurt me when I was a kid.

You must have thought I was crazy before, when I took the drugs. I bet you looked at me and didn't know who I was. I was a good person, then, brought up right by you. I didn't believe much, but I trusted people. Then Ben came. I'm not blaming him for how I felt. I think I was like that because I hated those kids who hurt me so much. I carried that hate for 20 years. I saw them in people who I was with - even though they only wanted to help me.

::kneels:: They were heroes, mom, real heroes. Still are. I was never a hero. I never should have been. All I wanted was revenge. Now all I want is for people to know my name. To know what I've done. Pride, mom. Pride comes before a fall.

I'm fallen, mom. I've betrayed everyone around me because I wanted what I wanted. And then it wasn't what I wanted. I don't think. I don't know. I don't listen to people, not that I won't - I just don't. I have my agenda, what I want. And if people are in the way, I eliminate them, or try to...I think. I don't know. If people don't see what I'm trying to do for them, then I turn against them. I want to kill them, mom, because they refuse me. I couldn't refuse Palley. I couldn't refuse Pitti. No one should refuse me. I'm trying to help, can't they see?

I'm so jealous of Strym, I'll admit it to you. He's got what I could only wish for - worship and fear. People follow him. Heroes are afraid of him, and they want him dead. ::chuckles lowly:: Now I've got that part. Fyre says she's not afraid of him, but she is. I'm not afraid of him, either. ::whispers:: I want to be him.

I'm no where near as smart, no where near as charismatic. Hell, I'm not cunning or crafty - I'm as subtle as a fist to the face. I never was like this, mom. I always did right. What happened, mom? What did I do? Like I told Fyre, I got smart. I opened my eyes and realized that everyone around me was an enemy, that I wasn't a hero.

::closes his eyes and whispers:: I wish I could be stupid again. But E doesn't have time to babysit me and Fyre doesn't have the patience. I think... I need... to leave them. If Futura will take me - depending on what they told Kit, God only knows - I'll remain with them. Or go to Safe Havens with Frosty - if he'll have me.

::rests his forehead on the cold headstone:: Sorry won't work anymore.